Children and Families – Draft – 2               7 2009

“But Jesus called them to him, saying, ‘Let the children come unto me, and do not hinder them; for to such belongs the kingdom of God.  Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.”
- Luke 18:16-17  (RSV)

[my home] was a place where religion was a vital part of the air we breathed.  I was not ‘christened in a church but I was sprinkled from morning till night with the dew of religion.  We never ate a meal which did not begin with a hush of Thanksgiving; we never began a day without a family gathering, the reading of a chapter in the Bible, followed by a period of silent worship when we talked with God, not far away, but very near.  This was a Quaker home, the product of generations of deep inward religious life.”
- Rufus Jones, 1941.

History

The general history of families down through the first centuries of Friends was to train children in the adult tasks and ways of the household as soon as they were able to learn the various things.  As early as the ages of 10 or so, children had responsibilities for  stocking the woodpile, for the care of animals, for the care of siblings, and often, also, they learned  other things such as spinning, weaving, stitching, care of harnesses,  planting of crops or harvesting.  In a similar manner, children accompanied their families to meeting for worship and were assumed to be full participants for the entire  meeting for worship.  The most dramatic example of this may be the  children of Reading Meeting, who continued to meet for worship every week for several weeks during 1662 after their parents were all  imprisoned.  – Violet Hodgkin, 1917.

The early centuries of Quakerism found most Quakers living in somewhat protected settings, so that their work, their meetinghouse and the schools for their children were all within  the same areas.  Friends were very careful about  this and provided quite a guarded environment, with little or no exposure to music, the arts, and the ideas of those not part of the meeting.

Northern Yearly Meeting Today

Today, our families live in the midst of urban or rural settings, often isolated from other Friends.  Our children attend public schools for the most part.  Radio, television, movies and other forms of public distraction and observance are all embedded in our culture so that the things our families most want their children to learn are sometimes difficult to  reinforce.  Families seek options for education which will support   their values..  Some families are now doing home schooling; some families choose private schools or charter schools if such are available.  A Friends Elementary and Middle School is now thriving within the Twin Cities.  Above all, families rely greatly on the wider meeting communities, and the yearly meeting, to help our children learn  our testimonies, our faith practices and the joy we have of living this committed life.    “Parents, above all, … need  [meeting]community  for practical and spiritual nurture.” – Mary Kay Rehard, 2002.    She further notes:  “Even with all the demands of family life, work, and parenting, we can live our lives with God at the center.” Ibid.

Friends in various parts of the country have been using  First  Day School lessons for a long time, with the assumption that this will be good preparation for our children to be Quakers themselves and also, the assumption that this is mainly what families need.  There has long been an assumption that children will.  “catch” Quakerism, and be able to continue to value and  live it   Many now have concerns that a more directed approach is needed, but have not found it.   It seems that our ideas of the need for nurture of families as a whole, and our awareness of the limitations of First Day Schools  to fulfill these needs, have awakened searching queries from many directions.”I assumed spirituality would come to my children from association with the Meeting and the Quaker community, but realized something was missing because what we do in Meeting is not verbal.      I take spirituality for children very seriously, focusing on spirituality as a bulwark against materiality. The way we treat children reflects the way we treat everybody.  Taking them seriously means seeing light in them, the sense of each of us being important.”–Madison Meeting Newsletter, 2000.

Northern Yearly Meeting was struggling with who and what  the children and youth committee should be.  Yearly meeting requested some consideration be given to this by concerned Friends.  A retreat was offered in April of 2001 where several Friends shared concerns regarding parenting and nurture of Quaker children.  That group  visualized  some possibilities for spiritual nurture of families within our yearly meeting.  At that time, the yearly meeting had a very active Spiritual Nurture Program being offered each year for our adults.  These retreat participants dreamed that such a program might grow to include a special Spiritual Nurture Program for families.  Such a program could include an annual retreat other than yearly meeting, and small support groups of 2 or 3 families to  provide the help, play and disciplined commitment of regular contact between large retreat sessions.  Parents might be able to explore issues of  concern such as how to deal with the material culture, discipline, anger, violence, gender issues and finding positive models for their children.  Such gatherings could also be times of being together but being unprogrammed – the family version of a silent retreat.    Families could  share their own ways of worshiping together.  Such gatherings could help families develop patterns of worship which they could continue within their homes.  Overall, such times would help to convey the understanding that our faith is one which aims to bring the deep sense of the Spirit within into more of our daily life   Families who pray, work and play together come to have a rooted awareness of the Divine connections to all of life.  Minutes, NYM, 2001.

Local Meeting Responses

Many of our meetings and worship groups are developing programming within the meeting for worship which aim to support the spiritual nurture of families and celebrate some stages of life.  Meetings for worship for welcome are sometimes held to welcome new babies into meeting life.  These may include the introduction of the child  or children to the meeting community, a certificate of welcome which all can sign, or perhaps a felt banner with the child’s name, which can be signed by all present at the rise of meeting.  Often, these events include the sharing of food following the rise of worship.

Some local meetings have explored times of holding junior meetings for worship once a month and also, junior meetings for business.  Some meetings have developed intergenerational play times to encourage members of all ages to know one another more fully.

Meetings which are part of communities where most of the youth participate in some form of confirmation exercises may choose to create some type of event which celebrates the transition to  more adult responsibilities.  One meeting did this by celebrating the passage of their young people into high school with the creation of a celebration certificate, which all present signed, and also, a special shared meeting event which included readings by the younger members  as well as some adults.  And again, special food was shared following the event.

Meetings are learning that when travel opportunities for either individuals or small groups of their youth arise, or become leadings of the meeting, these also become community building events.  Members work together on preparations including the clearness processes, fund raising and sometimes, cooperative work to achieve the event.  Our yearly meeting youth are now gathering regularly into retreat and service events several times a year.  These times can also become community building times for the host meetings, those who participate in support such as driving or becoming FAP’s [friendly adult presences], or those who join in the service work the teens are doing.

Children and Worship

[My son Lowell] has forever convinced me that God is as real to the child as visible objects are….I am convinced that children have a sense of Presence in these times of intense community hush.” – Rufus Jones, 1947.  We know that children  often have experiences which an adult might define as worship or prayer, before the child can say in words that  that was the experience.  As we grow physically, we also grow in social  and  spiritual awareness.  Watch a child pause and just look and maybe wonder.  Watch the child’s eyes express this connecting to something beyond physical feelings.  Allow each child the time and space to just be.    When we share our love and reassurance and stories of responses others have made to these discoveries of faith and wonder, we are enhancing the child’s ability to worship and to experience the Divine.    Our children invite us into this world of wonder that our rational minds often skip over, and minister to us in their discoveries.

Meetings of Northern Yearly Meeting seek to live the live of the Spirit embodied in our testimonies of simplicity,  peace,  equality amid diversity,  integrity and concern for our earth.  We seek to be inclusive of all ages within our communities  and to support one another as we learn more ways to do this.

QUERIES

For the Meeting:

1. How do we open connection to beauty, mystery and  the Divine with our children?
2. How do we provide welcome during  our meetings for worship for our infants and children?
3. How do we nurture and support faith based-actions of our youth and families outside the walls of the meetinghouse.
4. How do we work and play with young and older together within our meetings?

For the Individual and the Family:

1. How do you get to know those of all ages within your meeting?
2. How do you receive spiritual nurture from younger meeting members?
3. How does your family share regular worship other than the weekly worship with your meeting?
4. How does your family learn about Spirit leading  to action?
5. How does your family support others who have leadings?
6. How does your family share celebration of new life? Loss of a loved one? Face hard decisions such as a move?