“In the true married relationship, the independence of husband and wife will be equal, their dependence mutual, and their obligations reciprocal.”
- Lucretia Mott, 1849.

“A man and wife whose love for each other is part of their love for God, discover a more splendid love and a more exuberant life than those who love each other only. The romantic molasses on which our [popular cultures] feed is a poor substitute for the nourishing food of God’s love.”
- Kenneth Boulding, 1942.

“Our experience confirms that all people are equal before God and equally loved by God. In witnessing the truth of God’s love to the wider community, we support full and equal inclusion of gays and lesbians in enjoying the rights and privileges afforded any citizen.”
- Northern Yearly Meeting, May 2006.

Marriage joins two people in Divine care and an on-going relationship to fully share their lives. We believe this union is something not lightly entered into, as it is a planned lifelong commitment. Marriage brings two unique individuals into a new entity, one of joy, grace, respect and care for the other. The challenges of marriage, and sometimes the pains of it, provide the opportunity to grow into wholeness of life together, with Divine guidance.

Only monthly meetings have the authority to conduct Marriage Under the care of the meeting. Worship groups and preparative meetings may participate in the clearness process and planning for a marriage as members of their monthly meeting committee. Marriage under the care of a meeting celebrates publically the couples’ commitment to God, each other and the meeting. Decisions regarding marriage are unique to each monthly meeting. Most monthly meetings do not accept care of a marriage unless one of the couple is already a member or an associate member of that monthly meeting.

The Clearness Process

This process begins when the couple sends a letter to the monthly meeting to request marriage under the care of that meeting. The letter is read at the next monthly meeting for worship for business and a clearness committee is appointed to meet with the couple. Clearness committees explore the meeting’s willingness to take on the care of the marriage. They also enhance a couple’s preparation for marriage by helping them think about their commitment to each other at a deep level as well as the many practical issues they face. Some meetings have prepared materials for the clearness committee to use, which include care for the readiness of both individuals to be married and their clearness about being married within the Friends Meeting for Worship. (guidelines in our appendix)

The same clearness process would be followed for all committed couples that have requested marriage under the care of a meeting. Now, and historically, legal and religious definitions of the marriage relationship are not always one and the same. A meeting clearness committee may help a couple more carefully determine the characterization of their relationship, as part of the preparations for marriage.

Several individual monthly meetings within NYM have prepared minutes regarding same sex marriage. One of the earliest is: “Twin Cities Friends Meeting, joyfully recognizing the diversity of sexual orientation within our religious community, affirms the goodness of committed, loving relationships that endure, are unselfish, and that provide mutual support and tenderness…. We intend to follow the same customary and careful process of arriving at clearness for any couple, regardless of sexual orientation, who should wish to unite under our care….” - Twin Cities Monthly Meeting of Friends, October 1986.

The Wedding

The clearness committee brings its report to a meeting for worship for business. After meeting approves, an arrangements committee is appointed to work with the couple on the details of the wedding. Arrangement committees should be cognizant of their state laws regarding marriage and provide clear information to the couple, so that all legal requirements, if applicable, are met in a timely manner. In keeping with our testimony of simplicity, arrangement committees are encouraged to help couples focus the wedding plans on the deep spiritual nature of this union and the real lifelong commitment being made. This may include consideration of the differing beliefs and special needs of some families.

The wedding itself is a Called Meeting for Worship which has the purpose and joy of supporting and witnessing the couple as they join their lives. No third person officiates at the wedding because we believe it is the Divine Spirit that gives this relationship life and permanence. During worship, the couple rise and speak their vows to each other. The traditional vow is: ‘In the presence of God and these our friends, I take thee, __________, to be my wife/husband/partner, promising with Divine assistance to be unto thee a loving and faithful wife/husband/partner as long as we both shall live.” Other wordings may also be used. The vows should be words the couple truly are able to commit to one another and desire to make. Clearness committees may assist couples in selecting the words they will say. Some couples choose to exchange rings during the wedding after they have said their vows.

The marriage certificate is an integral part of a Quaker wedding. Many couples find the presence of their certificate in their family is a wonderful affirmation of the Divine blessing that brought them together and a reminder of the vows they said. Historically, Quaker weddings were not recognized by civil authorities. So Friends developed the marriage certificate to provide the complete record of this event. (Some sample wordings for marriage certificates are provided in the appendix.)

The marriage certificate must be fully lettered before the wedding so that it may be signed by the couple during the wedding after they have said their vows. The certificate includes the words of the vows. Each should sign with the full name they plan to use from that date forward. A designated person then reads the entire certificate aloud during the wedding. All present are requested to sign the certificate as witnesses, at the rise of meeting for worship.

Historically, after the wedding, the entire wording of the marriage certificate and all of the witnesses names were copied into a record book of the monthly meeting. Both the meeting and the couple retained this document. Today, it is more common for the meeting to record the event, but not the entire certificate.

Continuing Care

The meeting interest in a couple does not cease when the wedding event is concluded. The meeting is also to provide on-going nurture and celebration of couples and families. This community can be the fertile spiritually nourishing ground where a marriage relationship can continue to unfold in the Light. The interested community may welcome the observation of special anniversaries by assisting with a meeting for worship for an anniversary. A meeting may provide assistance when a family experiences health problems or loss. It may formalize support to couples by sponsoring couple enrichment workshops and on-going couple support groups. Couples within a meeting provide a model of rich Quaker marriage relationships as one kind of support to those considering marriage.

Continuing care may require times of providing counseling and clearness committees when families face difficulties. Many meetings experience gaps of awareness and awkwardness regarding ways to offer care. A meeting may want to locate friendly outside counseling and support services. Clearness committees may be offered to a couple who are considering divorce or separation, if they are open to that. A meeting can assist with the on-going nurture and care of any children that may be involved. The meeting community seeks to love and respect both of the individuals involved, and if possible, to help them continue to participate in the spiritual life of the meeting.

The On-Going Union

Marriage can illuminate the spiritual journey with God for both the couple and the meeting community. The wholeness of a marriage seems to strengthen and multiply the gifts each is able to offer as individuals, and that both are able to offer as a couple. Whether same sex or opposite sex, successful relationships give the meeting community a precious gift, a tangible model of the hard work and deep joy that true intimacy with self, others and God can bring.

QUERIES

For the Meeting:

  1. How does your meeting nurture the marriage commitment before the wedding?
  2. How does your meeting help a couple come to clearness?
  3. How do your meeting and its clearness committees nurture the on-going relationship?
  4. How do your clearness committees and arrangements committees assist the couple to develop their vows and plan a wedding which will focus on the deep spiritual nature of the commitment, and keep the celebration welcoming, orderly and simple?
  5. What does it mean to your meeting to support a marriage under the care of the meeting?
  6. In what ways does your meeting offer assistance and support to couples who may encounter difficulties?
  7. How will your meeting lovingly embrace both members of a couple if there is separation or divorce?
  8. How does your meeting nurture and support all couples?

For the Couple:

  1. How will you, as future marriage partners, continue to seek the Light as you make decisions for your home and your family?
  2. If your marriage is not legally recognized by your state, how will you protect each other and any future children?
  3. What level of counseling and support would you, as a couple, feel free to seek from your meeting for continuing growth, or if you encounter difficulties?
  4. How will you continue your relationship with your marriage clearness committee?
  5. What is the couple’s responsibility to the spiritual life of the meeting?

Please return all comments or corrections to:

Kathy White, NYM Faith & Practice committee
210 Devon Ct.
Madison, WI 53711

or to

stanwhite@ieee.org.

Or call 608-274-8290.

Related chapters: