PREPARING FOR DEATH

RELIGIOUS SOCIETY OF FRIENDS (QUAKERS)

NORTHERN YEARLY MEETING

“Death, then, being the Way and Condition of life, we cannot love to live, if we cannot bear to die…Death is but crossing the world, as friends do the seas; they live in one another still….” William Penn,1693

“God calls our loved ones, but we lose not wholly
What He hath given;

They live on earth, in thought and deed, as truly

As in His heaven.” John Greenleaf Whittier, 1857

INTRODUCTION AND HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE

Friends, like all people, live with issues of death and dying. Early Friends faced somewhat different death issues than Friends today. For early Friends, infant mortality was high. For example, only two of William Penn’s seven children by his first wife survived into adulthood. The average age of death was younger, often from infection or trauma, usually at home, and sometimes in prison.

Today, life expectancy in the United States is in the 70’s and 80’s, with many living longer. Thus, we face an aging population with the attendant problems of caring for disabilities and loss of independent living capabilities. New medical technologies keep people alive for prolonged periods, at times in persistent vegetative states. People die in hospitals as well as in homes. Hospice care is often available. Doctor-assisted suicide and euthanasia are issues not addressed before modern times. Friends today have not reached agreement on these issues: historical testimonies on the sanctity of human life, the importance of the quality of life; and personal decision-making may present conflicts when considering issues of euthanasia and assisted suicide. Death is a natural occurrence. We will all die, and sometimes death may be welcomed.

Meetings and their members and attenders have responsibilities to each other and to society in decisions surrounding death.

MEETING RESPONSIBILITIES

All meetings and worship groups are encouraged to:

• • regularly discuss decision- making about death and disability
  • encourage individual members to give prayer and thought to these issues provide informed advice and counsel to Friends and attenders
  • consider providing and keeping on file, forms that record individual information and wishes.

Larger meetings often have a memorial committee or a committee of care to assist when death is anticipated and when it occurs. In some meetings these matters are handled by the Committee on Oversight or by Ministry and Counsel. Small meetings may have more difficulty than larger meetings doing these tasks but could consider asking larger meetings for help. Meetings can provide:

- Information on: 1) hospice care, 2) funeral homes,3) memorial societies that assist in simple less expensive funerals and burials, and 4) legal requirements at the time of death. This can be a great gift and prevent mistakes.

1) hospice care, 2) funeral homes,3) memorial societies that assist in simple less expensive funerals and burials, and 4) legal requirements at the time of death. This can be a great gift and prevent mistakes.

- Emotional Support: The meeting can pray for those involved and provide emotional support by being present when needed and by helping with other care. Friends are encouraged to show sympathy to those grieving with phone calls, cards, and visits, being careful that their actions are not burdensome or intrusive. Need for support may be long term, since grief may be a cyclical process and re-emerge months after the death of a loved one - particularly at times when the loss may be felt more keenly such as at holidays and the first anniversary of the death.

The meeting can pray for those involved and provide emotional support by being present when needed and by helping with other care. Friends are encouraged to show sympathy to those grieving with phone calls, cards, and visits, being careful that their actions are not burdensome or intrusive. Need for support may be long term, since grief may be a cyclical process and re-emerge months after the death of a loved one - particularly at times when the loss may be felt more keenly such as at holidays and the first anniversary of the death.

- Coordination of Care: Meetings can coordinate care for a member who is dying by arranging for meals and child care if needed. Personal care services, and other practical aid both before and after death, both to the dying person and to family members, may be helpful. The meeting or a committee can coordinate phone calls, help with the funeral and memorial service arrangements, help write and arrange for publication of the obituary in consultation with the family, and notify insurance companies.

Meetings can coordinate care for a member who is dying by arranging for meals and child care if needed. Personal care services, and other practical aid both before and after death, both to the dying person and to family members, may be helpful. The meeting or a committee can coordinate phone calls, help with the funeral and memorial service arrangements, help write and arrange for publication of the obituary in consultation with the family, and notify insurance companies.

- A Memorial Meeting for Worship: Monthly meetings, in consultation with family and/or care givers, may plan to celebrate the life of a departed Friend in a loving manner. This may take the form of a called Meeting for Worship. During this worship Friends recognize the universal experience of death and give emotional support to the loved ones. That called Meeting for Worship can be either programmed or unprogrammed. The clerk of the meeting or a designee explains the format for the service, especially for those present who might not be familiar with Quaker worship. If the memorial service is programmed, designated individuals may give tributes to the departed person. The worship may include reading favorite Bible passages, Quaker writings, or poetry, singing favorite songs, or playing favorite music of the individual, the individual’s loved ones or family. The family often participates. Open grieving is appropriate in this worship.

Monthly meetings, in consultation with family and/or care givers, may plan to celebrate the life of a departed Friend in a loving manner. This may take the form of a called Meeting for Worship. During this worship Friends recognize the universal experience of death and give emotional support to the loved ones. That called Meeting for Worship can be either programmed or unprogrammed. The clerk of the meeting or a designee explains the format for the service, especially for those present who might not be familiar with Quaker worship. If the memorial service is programmed, designated individuals may give tributes to the departed person. The worship may include reading favorite Bible passages, Quaker writings, or poetry, singing favorite songs, or playing favorite music of the individual, the individual’s loved ones or family. The family often participates. Open grieving is appropriate in this worship.

- Memorial Minutes: Monthly Meetings may prepare a Memorial Minute to forward to the Yearly Meeting for the annual session. Information the departed person may have provided would be helpful in preparing this minute.

Monthly Meetings may prepare a Memorial Minute to forward to the Yearly Meeting for the annual session. Information the departed person may have provided would be helpful in preparing this minute.

- A Clearness Committee: At times a clearness committee for a dying person may be appropriate to meet with the person, provide spiritual support, discuss issues of reconciliation and forgiveness if such issues exist, and give the dying person an opportunity to share concerns about the dying process. This clearness committee might also assist in a called Meeting for Worship ( a Living Memorial Worship) should one be requested by the dying person. This could provide a joyful opportunity to celebrate a life.

At times a clearness committee for a dying person may be appropriate to meet with the person, provide spiritual support, discuss issues of reconciliation and forgiveness if such issues exist, and give the dying person an opportunity to share concerns about the dying process. This clearness committee might also assist in a called Meeting for Worship ( a Living Memorial Worship) should one be requested by the dying person. This could provide a joyful opportunity to celebrate a life.

PERSONAL AND FAMILY RESPONSIBILITIES

Friends have individual responsibilities for themselves and for each other in decisions surrounding death. Friends’ testimony on simplicity should be considered in making decisions about death. Each person is urged to give thoughtful consideration to the following:

- A Legal_. Will: A legal will provides for distribution of belongings and one’s estate. This is sound stewardship, helps prevent dispute among family members, and may give comfort to those surviving. Friends could consider the opportunity to make significant gifts to Quaker and other charitable organizations. Current tax laws regarding estate taxes, trusts, and gifts of appreciated stock when taken into account may be beneficial to both the donor, the heirs, and recipient organizations. This also provides parents the opportunity to designate guardians for their dependent children.

A legal will provides for distribution of belongings and one’s estate. This is sound stewardship, helps prevent dispute among family members, and may give comfort to those surviving. Friends could consider the opportunity to make significant gifts to Quaker and other charitable organizations. Current tax laws regarding estate taxes, trusts, and gifts of appreciated stock when taken into account may be beneficial to both the donor, the heirs, and recipient organizations. This also provides parents the opportunity to designate guardians for their dependent children.

- A Living Will: A living will, a medical directive, a durable power of attorney for health care, and similar documents can provide guidance for others about the individual’s wishes. These may be separate documents or one document may suffice for all of them. The form and requirements vary from state to state. Medical clinics, hospitals, and doctors offices have the forms and information. Before becoming unable to participate in decision making, individuals may consider sharing their desires for care with family, friends and physician(s). This is different from a legal will for disposition of property.

A living will, a medical directive, a durable power of attorney for health care, and similar documents can provide guidance for others about the individual’s wishes. These may be separate documents or one document may suffice for all of them. The form and requirements vary from state to state. Medical clinics, hospitals, and doctors offices have the forms and information. Before becoming unable to participate in decision making, individuals may consider sharing their desires for care with family, friends and physician(s). This is different from a legal will for disposition of property.

- Disability and Long Term Care: Although life expectancy has increased, the aging process can be accompanied by decreased physical and /or mental ability. Often these conditions create situations where neither family nor friends can completely meet the needs that are present. With an aging population more people are in nursing homes. Thus individuals may want to consider arrangements for long term care if disability occurs. Keeping apprised of alternative care options may include investing in personal long term care insurance, and investigating assisted living options or nursing home care. Friends can assist others in making these life decisions.

Although life expectancy has increased, the aging process can be accompanied by decreased physical and /or mental ability. Often these conditions create situations where neither family nor friends can completely meet the needs that are present. With an aging population more people are in nursing homes. Thus individuals may want to consider arrangements for long term care if disability occurs. Keeping apprised of alternative care options may include investing in personal long term care insurance, and investigating assisted living options or nursing home care. Friends can assist others in making these life decisions.

• • - Organ Donation: Instructions can be made for donations of organs or the body. Many states have provisions on driver’s licenses for organ donations which may give new hope for life to others. The nearest medical school has forms for body donations for medical education.

  Instructions can be made for donations of organs or the body. Many states have provisions on driver’s licenses for organ donations which may give new hope for life to others. The nearest medical school has forms for body donations for medical education.

  • - Body Disposition: Unless donated to a medical school, wishes for disposition of the body by burial or cremation may be a helpful guide to survivors, even though these wishes may not be legally binding. Options for simple, inexpensive burials are available.

  Unless donated to a medical school, wishes for disposition of the body by burial or cremation may be a helpful guide to survivors, even though these wishes may not be legally binding. Options for simple, inexpensive burials are available.

- Memorial Meeting: Stating elements to include in a Memorial Meeting for Worship such as favorite Scripture passages, songs, poems or other readings is helpful to those planning this event.

Stating elements to include in a Memorial Meeting for Worship such as favorite Scripture passages, songs, poems or other readings is helpful to those planning this event.

- Obituary and other information: Writing an obituary is another helpful act for loved ones left behind. These notes may be given to the newspaper and used in the Memorial Worship or in a Memorial Minute. Other useful information for families would be a list of persons and organizations to be notified in the event of death. Some of this information should be shared with loved ones, other important persons, appropriate meeting members, the executor of your estate and others. The information should be readily available — not just placed in a safety deposit box where it may not be accessible upon death.

Writing an obituary is another helpful act for loved ones left behind. These notes may be given to the newspaper and used in the Memorial Worship or in a Memorial Minute. Other useful information for families would be a list of persons and organizations to be notified in the event of death. Some of this information should be shared with loved ones, other important persons, appropriate meeting members, the executor of your estate and others. The information should be readily available — not just placed in a safety deposit box where it may not be accessible upon death.

- Resources:

Aging with Dignity, P.O. Box 1661, Tallahassee, FL 32302-1661. The organization provides a form titled ‘Five Wishes’, a simple Living Will currently legal in 35 states including all states in the Northern Yearly Meeting area except Wisconsin. Telephone: 1-888-5WISHES (1-888-594-7437)

Morgan, Ernest. Dealing Creatively with Death: A Manual of Death Education and Simple Burial. Bayside, New York: Barclay House, 1994; 163 pp., paperback. 13th Ed. (available from the FGC bookstore).

- Postscript: While this chapter is about death and dying, Friends are reminded of the importance of celebrating significant milestones (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) with family, friends and the faith community.

While this chapter is about death and dying, Friends are reminded of the importance of celebrating significant milestones (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) with family, friends and the faith community.

QUERIES:

For individuals:

What thought have you given towards preparation for your death?

How have you expressed your wishes should you die or become

incapacitated; how have you informed your family, Meeting, and executor?

For meetings:

How has your monthly meeting addressed issues of death and dying?

In what way has your monthly meeting prepared to carry out its responsibilities in the event of a death in the meeting?

What vehicle does your Monthly Meeting have for recording your wishes?

Quotes: William Penn. Some Fruits of Solitude, 1693. Re-published by Friends United Press 1st Ed. May, 1978, p. 71 (#505). Also quoted in Quaker Faith and Practice of Britain Yearly Meeting ,1995; 22:95.

John Greenleaf Whittier: “To my Friend on the Death of his Sister.” The Poetical Works of Whittier, Cambridge Edition. Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston, 1975, p. 181. First published by Whittier in 1857.

1) hospice care, 2) funeral homes,3) memorial societies that assist in simple less expensive funerals and burials, and 4) legal requirements at the time of death. This can be a great gift and prevent mistakes.The meeting can pray for those involved and provide emotional support by being present when needed and by helping with other care. Friends are encouraged to show sympathy to those grieving with phone calls, cards, and visits, being careful that their actions are not burdensome or intrusive. Need for support may be long term, since grief may be a cyclical process and re-emerge months after the death of a loved one - particularly at times when the loss may be felt more keenly such as at holidays and the first anniversary of the death.Meetings can coordinate care for a member who is dying by arranging for meals and child care if needed. Personal care services, and other practical aid both before and after death, both to the dying person and to family members, may be helpful. The meeting or a committee can coordinate phone calls, help with the funeral and memorial service arrangements, help write and arrange for publication of the obituary in consultation with the family, and notify insurance companies. Monthly meetings, in consultation with family and/or care givers, may plan to celebrate the life of a departed Friend in a loving manner. This may take the form of a called Meeting for Worship. During this worship Friends recognize the universal experience of death and give emotional support to the loved ones. That called Meeting for Worship can be either programmed or unprogrammed. The clerk of the meeting or a designee explains the format for the service, especially for those present who might not be familiar with Quaker worship. If the memorial service is programmed, designated individuals may give tributes to the departed person. The worship may include reading favorite Bible passages, Quaker writings, or poetry, singing favorite songs, or playing favorite music of the individual, the individual’s loved ones or family. The family often participates. Open grieving is appropriate in this worship.Monthly Meetings may prepare a Memorial Minute to forward to the Yearly Meeting for the annual session. Information the departed person may have provided would be helpful in preparing this minute. At times a clearness committee for a dying person may be appropriate to meet with the person, provide spiritual support, discuss issues of reconciliation and forgiveness if such issues exist, and give the dying person an opportunity to share concerns about the dying process. This clearness committee might also assist in a called Meeting for Worship ( a Living Memorial Worship) should one be requested by the dying person. This could provide a joyful opportunity to celebrate a life.A legal will provides for distribution of belongings and one’s estate. This is sound stewardship, helps prevent dispute among family members, and may give comfort to those surviving. Friends could consider the opportunity to make significant gifts to Quaker and other charitable organizations. Current tax laws regarding estate taxes, trusts, and gifts of appreciated stock when taken into account may be beneficial to both the donor, the heirs, and recipient organizations. This also provides parents the opportunity to designate guardians for their dependent children.A living will, a medical directive, a durable power of attorney for health care, and similar documents can provide guidance for others about the individual’s wishes. These may be separate documents or one document may suffice for all of them. The form and requirements vary from state to state. Medical clinics, hospitals, and doctors offices have the forms and information. Before becoming unable to participate in decision making, individuals may consider sharing their desires for care with family, friends and physician(s). This is different from a legal will for disposition of property.Although life expectancy has increased, the aging process can be accompanied by decreased physical and /or mental ability. Often these conditions create situations where neither family nor friends can completely meet the needs that are present. With an aging population more people are in nursing homes. Thus individuals may want to consider arrangements for long term care if disability occurs. Keeping apprised of alternative care options may include investing in personal long term care insurance, and investigating assisted living options or nursing home care. Friends can assist others in making these life decisions.Stating elements to include in a Memorial Meeting for Worship such as favorite Scripture passages, songs, poems or other readings is helpful to those planning this event.Writing an obituary is another helpful act for loved ones left behind. These notes may be given to the newspaper and used in the Memorial Worship or in a Memorial Minute. Other useful information for families would be a list of persons and organizations to be notified in the event of death. Some of this information should be shared with loved ones, other important persons, appropriate meeting members, the executor of your estate and others. The information should be readily available — not just placed in a safety deposit box where it may not be accessible upon death.While this chapter is about death and dying, Friends are reminded of the importance of celebrating significant milestones (birthdays, anniversaries, etc.) with family, friends and the faith community.